Henry Catalini Smith

When I was little my grandad used to read me this book called The Tinder Box. I got hold of a copy a few years back in order to have something with some nostalgic value in the bedtime story rotation. I've been reading it quite frequently ever since.

Soldier in a red andw white uniform holding a tinder box in his right hand and a helmet full of gold coins in his left.

It is a deeply strange and unpleasant book which probably shouldn't exist. It's also gradually dawned on me that it follows the narrative structure of a Morrowind playthrough. Now I need to express this idea in order to be free of it. So that's what you're about to read.

The story kicks off with the protagonist – a soldier – walking around in the countryside. He stumbles on an NPC who sends him into a cave on a fetch quest.

'Soldier, would you like a lot of money?', called the witch.
'Very much' said the solder, 'What would I have to do?'
The witch pointed to a big tree.
'That tree is hollow', she said.
'I want you to climb down inside. I'll tie a rope around your body and pull you up when you call. Then you'll be rich.'

During the course of his fetch quest the soldier repeatedly becomes over-encumbered with loot. Entire pages are dedicated to inventory management in order for the soldier to minmax the value of the loot he's carrying.

There were so many gold coins that the soldier gasped.
He threw away the silvrer.
He filled his pockets, his knapsack, and even his cap with gold!
Only then did he put the dog back on the chest.

After leaving the cave, the soldier opts to kill the NPC who assigned the quest instead of completing it. He has no good reason to do this apart from XP farming and to further minmax the cash value of his inventory by holding onto the quest item.

'Where is the tinder box?' screeched the witch.
'Give it to me!'
The soldier shook his head.
'First of all, tell me why you want it,' he said.
'I won't!' the witch screamed.
'Give it to me at once!'
'No,' said the soldier, and he killed her with his sword.

Upon his arrival in town the soldier heads straight to the vendors to spend his quest loot on gear. The remainder is spent maxing out his disposition with local NPCs.

The soldier set off for the town.
It was a splendid place, and now he was rich.
He took a room at the very best inn.
He ordered the best food, and bought new clothes.
Soon he became a fine gentleman, and had lots of friends.

The very first time he runs out of gold the soldier figures out an infinite money glitch involving a talking magical creature and begins to exploit it.

He brought out the tinder box.
As soon as he struck a spark from the flint, the door of his room flew open.
In came the first dog he'd met, down inside the hollow tree.
'What are your commands, lord?' the dog asked.
'Bring me some money!' cried the solder.
In a flash the dog vanished.
He returned with a bag of copper coins in his mouth.

Eventually he gets carried away using his summoned dogs to mess around with NPCs in the town and gets caught by the guards and jailed. He glitches his game-breaking magical artefact back into his inventory, escapes, and then summons his dogs to kill all the guards and stage a coup d'état,

The book ends abruptly here with the soldier having been richly rewarded for his ruthlessness and greed. If there's a moral to this story, I'd say it's "The strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must". In a way it was the perfect bedtime story for an 80's baby.

The Tinder Box is a Morrowind Let's Play